I Woke Up At 3:43 AM Wanting To Tell You I Miss You
I love this time of yr. Most folks bitch in regards to the days being shorter, how early the evening paints the sky in raven, blue, and violet colours, however now not me; I really feel extra alive when it’s darkish. The climate is as just about perfection as it’s going to ever get in Texas, no less than for me. It’s chilly sufficient to have to place on a jacket, for it to chap your lips, to numb your ft in case you stand outdoor too lengthy, chilly sufficient you shouldn’t stroll out together with your hair rainy, however now not arctic adore it will get up north.
Around this time of yr, I turn out to be a bit extra upset with my solitude. It transforms into one thing that feels much more like loneliness, one thing that hurts just a bit bit. It turns out like the entirety I contact, the entirety I inhale, the entirety that makes touch with my pores and skin, with my mouth, with my thoughts, is infused with nostalgia. For what was once, for what wasn’t, for what might be, for what’s but to be.
It’s additionally at all times round this time of yr that I realize my goals turning into extra shiny, that I get up remembering them in correct element, like they have been simply occasions from the day prior to this.
I aroused from sleep at 3:43 a.m. final evening. The spray for deep sleep nonetheless contemporary on my chilly pillow. Lavender, patchouli, chamomile, camphor, and lemongrass invading all of my senses. Still, it felt adore it was once simplest simply you I have been touching and smelling. My treacherous palms fought my urge for satisfaction and sought after to textual content you to let you know I leave out you.
I’d simply woken up from a dream of you.
I do this ceaselessly, you already know.
You have been stroking my hair, transferring your palms right down to my neck and my shoulders and remarking how cushy my pores and skin is. You have been announcing my hair was once nonetheless wild, nonetheless so giant, nonetheless so stunning after slicing it. You requested me if I in point of fact wasn’t conscious about how attractive I was once. I checked out you and did that factor the place I simply smile and say “kiss me.”
I’m at all times serious about that, you already know. At any given second, whether or not I’m seated beside you, or whether or not it’s been weeks since I’ve noticed you, I am serious about kissing you. I need to put my mouth on yours as I take a seat right here scripting this, I sought after my tongue to bop together with your tongue when I aroused from sleep final evening, and I sought after to suck to your lip even inside of my dream.
I don’t know the place we have been. It was once someplace unfamiliar however that felt so much like house. That’s what it looks like when I’m with you, you already know, like perhaps that’s what your palms and your palms may just turn out to be. It’s what your eyes scream after they have a look at me. But then there are occasions the place you disregard about me and it feels extra like perhaps you simply need to fill a emptiness whilst you’re bored like perhaps you have a look at me and notice extra of a lodge suite. It hurts.
But in my dream, there you have been, taking a look at me the best way that makes earthquakes of my legs, lightning storms of my insides, and melts my pores and skin into candle wax. And I was once positive once more. I pulled away out of your kiss and stated: “This is all I ever in point of fact sought after, you already know.” What I intended by means of that was once the type of love my mom at all times stated she was hoping for and prayed for for me. The roughly love she sought after me to have if I couldn’t have the rest. I don’t consider in god, I don’t consider in destiny, however I do consider within the magic of that roughly factor.
I consider there’s one thing right here. I believed you whilst you stated there was once.
It was once only a dream, however I may just really feel that roughly factor. That roughly magic. That roughly love. The sort that feels such as you’re at all times sporting round hope like a birthmark. Like protection is at all times for your again pocket. I may just really feel myself dressed in heat the best way I put on my grandmother’s ring. I may just really feel that I’d by no means have to write down about anything else that wasn’t gentle once more.
I don’t need to really feel this manner. I am fearful of it. I promised myself I’d by no means really feel anything else with even a slight resemblance to like once more. I’m fearful of anything else that may imply I’d be giving any individual energy to harm me. The reality is you have already got it. The reality is you already are.
One of my favourite motion pictures rising up was once Practical Magic. There’s this section the place Sandra Bullock’s persona as a bit lady plays a spell to verify she’ll by no means fall in love. She requested for a person with one eye inexperienced and one eye blue. I made up my very own spell when I was once ten, however in contrast to her, I sought after my prince. See, even again then I had a factor for vivid eyes, and in my spell I discussed a phenomenal guy with inexperienced eyes. No pair has ever moved me or touched me in puts so deep and obscured in me slightly as yours.
Neon eyes I can’t prevent dreaming about.
When I was once 13, a fortune teller informed me about nice love and a couple of inexperienced eyes who’d alternate my lifestyles. Maybe it’s all twist of fate. But I can’t assist however marvel why I’ve come throughout yours. I can’t assist however ponder whether she was once talking of fortune or caution.
You’ve gotten beneath my pores and skin.
I’ve attempted cleaning myself from each and every considered you. I’ve informed myself to let it’s. I’ve stated you’re now not price my power or my time, that if you need me you’ll come and get me. I’ve drank and danced and flirted with different males. I’ve taken baths with particular oils and herbs to banish you. I’ve carried out rituals and spells and I nonetheless can’t get you out from all of the puts inside of me you burrowed your self.
I nonetheless can’t prevent dreaming of you.
I can’t prevent writing about what it’s like when I pay attention your voice and when I see you, about what it might be, how I don’t search for the celebrities anymore as a result of whilst you’re with me you remove darkness from the entire room.
I don’t need to really feel any of this stuff for you.
I need to go to sleep and notice anything else and somebody else. I need to lay in mattress with my palms between my thighs and notice any individual else’s face.
I simply can’t prevent dreaming of you.
I’m status with my ft within the sand, in need of not anything however to really feel the kiss of the sea, and just like the moon, the tides stay coming and going as you please.
I’m now not positive you deserve for me to think about you this manner, however I’m now not positive there’s anything else I can do to prevent myself.
If you intended it whilst you stated there’s one thing uncommon right here, then come wash away my footprints from the shore, come and submerge me and swallow me complete. Take me away to someplace simplest you and I will know.
Even if it’s only for a short time, take me back to the fact, don’t let me disregard.